What No One Tells You About Being a Perfectionist

In our society, perfectionism is generally applauded and rewarded. If you work hard and deliver excellent work, if you’re the best at what you do, then you are seen as successful. What no one tells you about being so focused on being perfect and doing everything perfectly is that it’s not only impossible, but it’s likely to cause some pretty significant damage to your perception of yourself and lead to serious anxiety and depression.

How can striving to do your very best be bad? Well, it’s usually not if you’re really only trying to do YOUR best. The problem usually occurs when you’re trying to be THE best.  It’s even worse if you’re trying to be absolutely perfect - to perform in a way that has no flaws. To seek the absence of flaws is to seek the impossible. As you might imagine, seeking the impossible leads to persistent feelings of failure, which leads to feeling like YOU are a failure.  

To other people, it can seem ridiculous that you feel like a failure because what they see is the picture of perfection that you project.  Only you know the internal struggle that comes with never measuring up. Only you know the depth of the anxiety and depression that accompany your perfectionism.  It can also feel very isolating because other people don’t understand why you feel the way you feel.

So, how do you stop being a perfectionist?  Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as just deciding you’re done trying to be perfect.  You have to challenge the thoughts you have - even if you have a difficult time believing it when you do challenge them.  It takes time and a lot of practice with intentionally being imperfect. Sometimes, it’s helpful to have support and accountability from someone like a therapist.  

I recommend starting with something small.  Choosing a task that feels achievable might feel strange - after all, the neverending pursuit of perfectionism lives in seeking the unachievable.  Is there something you can think of that you often try to make perfect, but that doesn’t really affect anyone other than you? For some people, this might mean leaving paperwork on your desk when you leave for the day or leaving something in your car that you would normally clean up immediately, such as a gas receipt or empty water bottle.  Perhaps it involves your appearance - maybe you wear perfectly coordinated pajamas even when you’re home alone. Try not to do whatever it is you choose. Leave that paperwork on your desk overnight. Let that gas receipt hang out in the car for a few days. Wear plaid flannel pajama bottoms with a polka dot top that definitely doesn’t match.  Keep doing these small things until they feel less uncomfortable.

Once you’ve mastered the little things, step it up to something a little more challenging.  Keep increasing the difficulty as you grow in your comfort level with being good enough instead of perfect.  It takes a lot of practice and a lot of commitment to change, but you absolutely can do it. You are fabulously capable, as just about everyone you know will tell you.

What if you try to practice imperfection and find yourself drowning in self-loathing and depression?  Well, then it might be time to consider talking to someone about it. You might start with a trusted family member or friend, or you might decide that a therapist is the best choice for you.  If you decide you think a therapist is the correct route, then check out this blog post on choosing a therapist.

Good luck as you start leaving perfectionism behind.  It’s a difficult road, but you can do it. You’ve got everything you need inside of you already.